Monday, 4 March 2013

Phil, Sophy and (Johnny) Dep(p)*

Early in my teenage years, I started thinking about and questioning life, its meaning and its purpose. As a results of obsessing about those questions, now I am dealing with depression. Sometimes it comes to the surface and disrupts my life completely, but generally, it is chronic and hides under the subconscious. 
My life, it's not dark all the time, actually most of times I feel okay. Only lately that I have started practicing meditation I experience the same old feelings which triggered the whole thing, the closest description of which would be "looking right into the eyes of life and seeing its emptiness". It didn't use to be so frightening, but as I digested the concept through time, it turned to a recurring nightmare.
The good thing is, I could deal with it meta-cognitively, by looking at my situation from above and outside, analyzing it and not taking it too seriously. I now believe that there is hope for recovery too, not through psychology, because psychologists cannot answer the questions I pose, I can easily wind them up with a few simple questions and either they are smart enough to understand there cannot be a right answer, or they aren't, neither of which would help me; drugs might help, I think, but my depression emerged out of philosophical despair and even though there might be no answers to mitigate that, I believe a step-by-step intellectual change could get me back to the state of "non-depression", through changing my focus to simpler things for example (instead of drugs, which I, nevertheless deem effective, but would like to keep as the last resort).
I will probably write about it more, as I both hope it could be of help to someone else, and the mere act of translating the emotions I experience to language helps the process.


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